You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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