I am puke
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize