i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
