I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
