Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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