I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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