Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
