just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
