You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
