What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
