I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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