if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
