Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize