the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
