Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
whose parrot is this?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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