I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
