how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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