so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
