Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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