Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
