Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
