Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
