I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
