when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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