he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
