My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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