I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
