Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
