there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
