Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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