Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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