On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
