Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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