Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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