So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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