the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
