I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
