so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
