I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
