Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
