I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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