i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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