Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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