y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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