Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
