I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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