Tell her she can't have a vagina
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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