It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
lol hangovers are for mortals.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
