I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
