and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
