You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
