if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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