hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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