Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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