well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize