Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
