i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
